After the Intellivision, I upgraded to the Apple IIc and the butt-numbing addiction of the Ultima series, the text-based Zork series, Epyx's Summer/Winter Games and the 3-D block mazes of The Bard's Tale. Clearly, I had no life. But that didn't stop me from buying a Nintendo, then a Sega Genesis (for the Madden franchise) and eventually an old 286 PC wherein I could REALLY get to wastin' time in Ultima VI, Railroad Tycoon, Civilization and a succession of SSI titles like Phantasie III, Eastern Front, Pool of Radiance and numerous other titles too embarassing to mention. Fortunately, my endess pursuit of gaming bliss was interrupted by friendships, social engagements, a budding film career.
I purchased a new computer in 1998 and quickly re-discovered the time suckage that is computer gaming. Baldur's Gate, Rollercoaster Tycoon, Civilization 2, Quake, Doom, Red Alert and a host of sporting titles soon clogged the ol' hard drive. Despite this, I managed to find a wife, write a number of plays and muster the oomphta to move to New York City. I have no idea how I managed it. In 2002, I built my own PC and got sucked into a new generation of insanity. I have played many games over the years and endured some very rocky relationships. Universally speaking, I can't think of a single girlfriend who enjoyed the game playing but there are some particular gems in the game world that particularly grate. I consulted Morgan on her personal, pet peeves. Still, I had to factor in the obsessive nature of games and how likely I was to ignore the long, dirty looks and heavy sighs from by my Significant Other.
So, I present to you, my list of the Top 5 Games Likely to Ruin My Marriage:
#5
Rome: Total War
I have installed and uninstalled this game at least 3 times. That's the sign of an obsession that refuses to go away. I won the long campaign as a member of the Julii, but then I had to win as one of the other two Roman factions. Then I had to win as the Gauls. Then Germania. Brittania. Spain. Egypt. The major time-sucker is the stunning field battles. It's thrilling to take hundreds of troops, then align, charge, flank and re-group them against a huge army. And nothing cements a relationship like the sound of 50 screeching, barbarian women as 200 berzerkers charge a line of hasati warriors. Nope nothing like it. Then, when the roman general flanks me and sends my soldiers running for their lives then kill them one-by-one, my wife really gets to enjoy the thrill of me shaking my fist at the monitor and swearing like a sailor.#4
Hearts of Iron II
Any authentic, board-style wargame would do in this slot, but this one is my most-recent favorites and is a great example of a game with just enough complexity to pique my obsessive nature and subsequently nullify any attempt at a social life. A good wargame is all about the statistics. I have printed out and poured over hundreds of pages of military analyses, unit rankings/ratings and game FAQs, only to get my ass handed to me two hours into the campaign. Of course, that only comes after hours of carefully delegating resources, building roads/factories, negotiating/trading with other countries. What does that mean for a perfection-obsessed person? That's right! One! More! Time! My wife has noted (and I cannot disagree here) that I have amassed an incredible library of detailed statistics in things that are Utterly Useless in the real world... And?!#3
Civilization (any version)
I had an English-major roommate my Junior year of college whose only interests were books, the Chicago Bears and beer. His only connection to computers were through word processing. One afternoon, I introduced him to a game I'd recently bought called Sid Meier's Civilzation. I left him that afternoon and when I came back late that evening, he was still playing. I went to bed and the next morning, he was still playing. I went to classes and when I returned for dinner, he was still playing. Civilization is EVIL. Pure EVIL. It is a game that can be played for hours and at the end, the only thing you can think is about how you've immediately got to start a new game so this time you can get it right.#2
Railroad Tycoon
Sid Meier has probably done more than anyone to fuck up relationships around the gaming world. His games are easy to start, addictive and endlessly replayable. Four sequels to this game have been made, but the first offers the a deceptively-simple interface, rewarding challenges and a high annoyance value. The game featured maps of the Eastern U.S., Western U.S., England and Europe. Resources and factories were randomly placed at the outset of every game, so no two endeavors were quite alike. It has all the addictive quality of Civilization, but what sets Railroad Tycoon high on this list is the sound effects. The Sound Blaster sound card would chime with all the subtlety of a 1980s arcade. A multi-pitched 'ding' of the cash register announces the arrival of a train into a station. Towards the latter half of the game, with 20 trains dinging away, it is a cacophony of irritation that can easily sever the bonds of holy matrimony.#1
Madden Football (any version)
No contest. This game contains all the elements that make computer games annoying to my wife. The game is endlessly replayable, there are innumerable sound cues and effects that can are played over and over and over again, it's sports-related, the real-time aspect assures her that I have to play a game from beginning-to-end, and she knows that, at any moment, my mood can immediately be ruined by a bad play. I don't take defeat lightly and when I am beaten at the last second by a freak play where my corner is, inexplicably, wildly out of position, I have a tendency to lose my shit. My temper tantrums are self-contained affairs that only result in injury to myself. Still, they are loud and immediate enough to shock every person (or cat) in hearing range. Desks/walls are punched. Controllers are slammed on desks. At the divorce hearing, Morgan will attest to this and her accusation will be corroborated by my brother, my former roommates, and every person who lived in the University of Iowa dorms in the early 90s.
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